They say fear is the greatest motivator. I disagree.

It's paralyzing. And exhausting. And a completely inefficient use of resources.

I'm so scared of putting words on a page that it took me half an hour to decide on a blog name. Eventually I just gave in to the least bad option. But, every decision starts with a single step, good or bad. And after that, you live with the consequences of your own actions or inactions, whatever the case may be. For me, inaction rules the day.

Look! I've managed to say absolutely nothing at all. I can talk to anyone all day about nothing, but I can't even talk to myself about anything of substance.

That's not true. I have no small talk at all. I have no bullshit. I can barely get by in casual conversation - only by faking it. For a long time I assumed it was the same way for everyone. I think I was wrong. I'm not even good at faking it.

I've still said nothing. Nothing of substance.

I am a person of substance, to me at least. Substantially insubstantial, you'd think by reading this. Full of bullshit self-important nonsense, you'd say. Inane self-reflection. A navel-gazer on par with Billy Corrigan.

There is a real disconnect between my brain and my words on a page, and an admittedly larger disconnect between my brain and what I actually manage to say to actual living, breathing people. I'd like to think it's not that uncommon. Surely most of us struggle with this, yes?

I frequently feel alone in a world full of willing listeners. It's not for lack of an audience. I am just perpetually tongue-tied. I prefer pithy dialogue. Often it is the least risky option.

I am risk averse, that much is obvious. It's been said that religion is the opiate of the masses. I'm not a believer. What people get from religion is complacency. Complacency is their drug. Maybe it allows them to cope; to fit in. A small part of me is jealous. A large part of me thinks that the religious masses are in on the big lie. Still, I understand the sense that ignorance is bliss. I won't deny jealousy.

See here the sheer volume of words I've devoted to saying nothing. Fuck it. it's my catharsis, and it's better than nothing.

I will say this:

I am tired of feeling disregarded.
Do not equate stoic with soulless.
I will not live a life of mediocrity. I deserve better.
Bourbon is delicious.
I will find happiness.
I love James and Lucy more than I can describe, and I would give my life for their happiness
I will continue to put words on a page for selfish reasons only.



I will
L